Thursday, May 08, 2008

Laughing so as not to Cry

I have waited to write this because I haven't really known what to say. But one of the reasons - as I've stated before - that I started this was to give you context of your life, the events that make you, well, you.

Someday when you are older your mom and I will tell you about a very rough stretch in our lives. When mommy lost her grandmother and we lost a baby, all in the matter of two months.

When we found out about the baby it was very difficult. You were actually with us - I'll never forget trying to keep you amused with your squishy turtle book while looking at the ultra sound monitor looking, hoping, for a heartbeat. I remember being glad that I had you in my arms because I could focus on you and not really on what was going on.

It was an odd feeling driving home. I was still in shock and had so many different feelings, but the biggest was being hollow - not empty - just hollow.

I was trying to figure out how I could be angry and sad and hollow all at the same time. But I was also trying to figure out how I could have these feelings knowing that I had such a wonderful little boy sitting in the back seat. And that is what brings me to you.

The only way that I can figure why this happened - and what I keep telling mommy - is because you needed your own angel to watch over you.

You will never know how much of a role you have played in our ability to get through this tough stretch. I have often looked at you with tears in my eyes thinking about your little brother or sister and have been quickly moved from tears to laughter.

Your wonderful little soul. Your ability to look at us and make us laugh or smile with a little noise or a dance or a "Da, Da", has been a blessing that your little heart will never know.

So, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being you and for being such a wonderful boy. Because through all the times when we could have cried you have been able to bring us laughter and joy. It isn't always easy, but without you this would have been a million times, in those moments when what we really want to do is cry, we can laugh. Laugh at the beauty that is you, and that is our wonderful family.

Mom and Dad